Five Years Ago Today

 I never thought that “the call” would come. I had said many goodbyes before this, although I had not prepared myself  to say a final farewell to my mother.  But that call and that unanticipated car ride did come. As the wheels spun at what seemed to be the most sluggish rate; Tears, laughter, anger, denial, fear, frustration & joy all spun around me just as if a tornado of accumulated objects was gyrating around me endlessly. My world as I had once known it, and had become to know it was now extinct. All else in the world seemed  inanimate and  meaningless.  I kept thinking to myself, “How did we get here?”

I remember walking in through the double doors to the pungent smell of decay, thinking to myself, “Okay, this is just another hospital, we’ll get the pain under control and be on our way.” That was not to be the case this time. As I walked down the hallway, I couldn’t help but wonder why such a well known facility could only have fifteen available rooms for patients. As we came to find out, no one went home after visiting the Hospice facility. I realized that this was the end: the end of the war that we had been fighting for two drawn-out years. A flash of frigid, brassy voices flooded into my head. Trying to shed light on all of these Dr’s predictions brought clarity to me, that time is out of their element. They had given me false hope. So I put all my feelings on a shelf, to be addressed at a later time. I had felt like I always had to keep it together for the sake of my mother. I couldn’t  bare letting her see me struggle, for she herself was  struggling. My Father, her Husband was not capable of holding it together, making medical decisions or being supportive. So I took a deep breath and went in through the threshold. This room would then be the setting to my life for the next twelve grueling weeks. I began to acclimate myself to this routine of no sleep, constantly care giving, consistently hiding behind a mask, scavenging to provide the needed comfort and security that my mother so desired.  It was now my turn to provide what mother had always provided for me. My role was no longer the daughter; I was to fight for what she could no longer fight for, to be her advocate for survival, to pour out the love that she so deserved. I had to compel myself to keep going when she couldn’t.

I had never been through the dying process. I didn’t know what was to come or what to expect. I can assure you that no one is precise on the effects of cancer. Authorities & officials tell you, ”If you smoke cigarettes you’ll get cancer.” To my knowledge, no D.A.R.E. program, no doctor, no facilitator informs you of the true effects of cancer. They do not tell you that you will become one hundred percent immobile, that your thought processes will become non-existent, that psychosis and paranoia will take over. They do not begin to touch the surface of the process of cancer. There was always something new knocking on the door waiting to knock the wind out of me. I was not aware that I would lose my mother before she was actually gone. 

So when that phone call came at nine thirty p.m. on January 3, 2010, I found myself in dire shock that the moment we all technically knew was coming had. Completely uninvited, all the emotions that I had set on that shelf came spiraling down on me like a bookshelf in an earthquake. The only thing that I had to take home from this experience were the few aware, & conscious moments that I had with my mother & the concept of time. I was robbed of being able to have the talks that you'd imagine having with a loved one when finding out of ones passing. Answers to questions that I am still trying to fill the blanks with today.  She was so young, 55, and half of her life time was officially unaccountable for. A wifeless husband and myself, a motherless daughter, would have to start a new life without our loved one. And until this day I hum the tune from Hold My Heart, “One tear in the dropping rain, One voice in the sea of pain could the maker of the stars Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?” After the years I've learned that my heart will never be put back together the same but put back together in a new way. The loss didn't end or stop with my mother's passing, it continued and the grieving began, the change began, and God tested me beyond my limits. 

I plan on TRYING my best to dedicate this next week to my story, my mothers story and share with you the ins and outs of my experience of losing a loved one and what life has looked like for me these past five years. 

Monster Munch Recipe

I made a version of this for Easter laster year called Bunny Bait and it was such a hit I decided to create my own Halloween version and it turned out amazing!
Here's what you'll need:

• 1 package of White Almond Bark: Walmart has year round, HEB and Target consider this a "seasonal" item

• Halloween sprinkles: Target or Walmart in the Halloween section

• 2 Bags of popcorn

• Pretzel sticks

• M&M I used pumpkin spice M&M

• Candy Corn

1. Pop 2 bags of popcorn and put them in a HUGE bowl to cool

2. Make sure you pick out the popcorn seeds that didn't pop!

3. Melt white almond bark according to directions on packaging. DO NOT BURN OR OVER COOK

4. Mix in desired amount of pretzels with popcorn while almond bark is melting

5. Coat popcorn and pretzels with about 1/2 to 3/4 of the melted almond bark. Mainly to your preference I had quite a bit of popcorn seeds left so I only did half. Mix well.

5. Spread the coated popcorn and pretzel mixture over wax paper and drizzle 1/4 or the remaining melted almond bark. Be quick before it cools!

6. Add your sprinkles, candy corn and m&ms- as much as you desire!

7. Let dry

8. Enjoy!

One batch makes about 14 of these gift baggies or 2 of these medium sized jars:

And this is about how much I got with two batches just to give you an idea :)

Happy Halloween!

Our Latest Project: Play Room 2.0

As our little one's developmental needs change the playroom has slowly transformed to meet the needs of a toddler and little by little the toddler toys/pre-school toys have made their way in and the baby toys/gear has made their way out :(. Not to mention with our family growing we are having to do quite a bit of shifting and re-organzing. If you haven't checked it out yet here's the  Playroom 1.0

We have a four bedroom house, prior to having a baby in the oven the four rooms were set up as a master bedroom, Addelyn's room, a playroom and a guest bedroom... SO with that being said we've said goodbye to our guest bedroom and shifted a couple of the rooms and closets around. The guest room use to be the biggest room so we moved Addelyn's room to the guest room as well as her closet and Addelyn's old tiny room will now be Cason's nursery. We've had to "purge" a lot, sell quite a bit and re organize three closets to fit into one and a attic. Our guest room closet housed all of what use to be in our attic since our attic has no floors- another project on the list before baby's arrival. Our playroom closet housed all of the toys Addelyn was and still is too young for and all of our baby gear and random stuff around the house that needed to be put away/ had no home.

We've finally turned that closet into something way more functional and is now a craft/toy closet and I've never been more smitten with any closet I've ever done until now! It has room to store kids crafts and my crafts- which used to be crammed into tubs at the very top of our hallway closet that I could never reach. With all of the parties we've hosted lately, theres been a lot of crafting going on in the Wilcox house. I use to be able to get everything out and finish what I started in one sitting but now with a little toddler around everything is taken out during nap and bed time and then stashed away until the next nap/bed time. I now have somewhere to work on crafts and put them away nicely rather than shoving everything on the floor of the hallway closet. All of my crafts supplies are with arms reach and can be taken out and put back in a quick, organized manner.

I host a moms and minis, moms group where the kid's ages range from from newborn-pre-school, the "big kid" toys that have small parts now have a spot to be stored and put away with convenience.

I also now have a place to store all of my kid's craft supplies and teaching supplies. Our MC Group that we host at our home is starting to provide a craft/activity to keep the kids occupied and entertained and Addelyn is also getting to the age to be able to engage in art and learning activities, I'm so excited to have literally everything ready to go at a moments notice! I also hope to homeschool Addelyn during the pre-school years and now have a space to store, organize and create lesson plans.

I could go on a rant forever about WHY this new closet is probably my favorite thing in my house- ha! But I'll stop myself from obsessing and boring you! Take a peak for yourself!

The table and kitchen I scored off craigslist after searching for months!

Its hard to tell but the shelves continue to go higher for additional storage that I couldn't get a picture of.

The shelving unit itself is from IKEA, and seems to be just as good as the container store Elfa line but literally a fraction of the cost. Most of the storage bins and containers are also from IKEA!

This room still has work but I can see the light at the end of tunnel. We hope to get a few shelves in there for optimal toy storage and chalkboard/magnetic board on the open wall with a cork section for lessons and to display art. Some color on the walls and a new lighting fixture and I think we'll be able to call it done! 

Thanks for stoping by!

Chronicles of Baby #2

It's funny, one of the most common questions/comments when people find out that you're having a second is "Wow, did you guys plan that or was it a surprise?" I still can't wrap my head around the conundrum regarding the comments said to pregnant women in general, it's true that most people think no question is off limits. I thought for sure I'd be prepared to respond to those crazy comments and questions for baby number 2 but boy was I wrong... You typically show earlier with your second child- I kid you not someone told me at 16 weeks that I looked like I was going to pop... the look on their face when I told them I wasn't do until April was... priceless to say the least. Anyways more on that later...

Growing up I didn't have a large family and my family was never as close as I had hoped. My entire life I've dreamt of having a close knit, big family. Putting that into play is a whole different story however. During my pregnancy with Addelyn I would tell Jimmy on a regular basis... "never again". I struggled on a day to day basis, to get through each symptom often feeling claustrophobic in my own body- although I was grateful for the miracle growing inside of me and the opportunity to carry and bring life into this world, I struggled. I didn't think I could bring myself to signing up for the challenge again. Many people would repeatedly tell me you'll forget... and I would rant and rave how I would never forget. Well it took four months. HA... Four months went by andddd low and behold... I forgot. Christmas Eve we had finally gotten the rest of our maternity pictures... and thats all it took... a glance at that big belly, sent me on a roller coaster of emotions. Yes pregnancy is hard and long but its amazing and beautiful. Theres nothing like it. Jimmy thought I was crazy and then two months later he came down with baby fever too. We both knew we weren't ready in a place to start trying but we were both on the same page that our family was not done growing. We decided a few months later that we wanted our children to be around two years a part but due to my pregnancy with Addelyn I was not on board for another summer pregnancy. So we started trying and three months later we got a positive test! Our cut off for trying was August, if we hadn't gotten pregnant we would continue trying again in the following spring to prevent a summer pregnancy but sure enough two pink lines just in the nick of time.

Jimmy has always told me to surprise him with the news when finding out we are pregnant.. which is hard to say the least. I was barely able to pull it off with Addelyn... I can't hide anything from him, he always knows when something is going on... so I learned to take pregnancy tests toward the end of the day so I wouldn't have to keep it from him all day and risk him knowing somethings up, so when I found out I put a blanket with a onesie and the little blue and pink hospital hat, tied a bow around it with the pregnancy test and ignored all of Jimmy's calls for the remainder of the day...

`

When Jimmy gets excited about something he wants to tell the whole world so that night we swung by his parents house and left that on the entry table for his mom and surprised the rest of the family.

We chose to wait until Addelyn's birthday to reveal to extended family and close friends that we had a baby in the oven... after Addelyn's smash cake we gave her a bath and then dressed her in a shirt that said "Only Child Expiring Soon" and let her run around in that for people to see..

It wasn't too long after that, that we we're sitting in the doctors office when we were having our 12 week ultrasound when Jimmy looked at our OB and said.... UH is that a penis?! We were 12 weeks at this point and it was super early... our Dr. told ubs he was 80% sure that it was but that he would like to wait till our next ultrasound to confirm... A long four weeks later he was able to confirm that we are indeed having a boy!

We hosted a small reveal party with our MC Group and family to announce that we were having a boy! Here's a preview... a friend of ours took most of the pictures which I'm still waiting to get back :)

and later that week we announced to the rest of the world that we have a little boy on the way!

We just recently decided that we would name him Cason Ryker Wilcox and announced with these precious classic blocks. We struggled for a few weeks going back and forth between Wyatt, Cason, Ryker and I tried for a while to get Maddox to grow on Jimmy but it never did so back and forth we went with the endless combinations of those three names and finally decided on Cason Ryker Wilcox.

This pregnancy thankfully has not been as hard as my first, THANK YOU GOD! My hardest struggle was during the first trimester with energy and nausea. Being tired is no joke your second pregnancy, holy cow! This second trimester has been pretty good to me thus far. The only symptoms I've endured throughout this pregnancy have been fatigue, food aversions and nausea... can't complain there!

Bump Pics:

Hopefully our next baby update will be a clean bill of health from our anatomy appointment at the 20 week mar and a peak at the nursery!